Amid pipes and timbrel, elaborate fanfare proceeds where trumpets echo the syllables of his name. Trump is surrounded by a fleet of Victoria’s Secret models near colorful pools adorning his Mar-a-Lago Club. Sitting close are Melania, Ivanka, Barron, and a punched effigy of Omarosa donated by some MAGA groups from Michigan and Pennsylvania. Ann Coulter and Marjorie Taylor Greene swing to a tune while pointing to the effigy, “Go back to Africa! Go back to Africa! We’re making America great againnnnnnnnnn!”

TRUMP: Yes, I charge and chastise! Saucy I was—and with abandon too deliberate as to pronounce ye “shithole!” If sharp as knife edge your intellect, then assault this tongue and seize its produce with proof of colorful wit or yet, competitive mentation. But proceed we ere we commend to scribes your names and title—ye African feeble minds, yet gaudily accoutered? Announce yourselves!

JAMMEH: I’m Sheikh Professor Doctor Nasseeru Deen Babili Mansa Yahya A.J.J….

MELANIA TRUMP: (Looking somewhat dizzy) God! When is it going to end?

BARRON TRUMP: He sounds funny, Dad!

IVANKA TRUMP: (Grinning) I’m loving it! Thou shall proceed.

JAMMEH: …Yahya AJJ Jammeh! And this fat guy here on my left is Adama Mankamang Kunda Konofutubaa Barrow! Mark his belly if ye choose to confront gluttony! He is a waste of cells or even useful opinion!

BARROW: Jealous, huh? I eat my weight’s desire and stop only at mature satiety. And a third term I seek to service my obese tissues in fecundity. Thou shan’t be president again! It’s ordained!

TRUMP: Your name and title?

BARROW: My name?

MELANIA: Yessss!

BARROW: My name….my name is….

MELANIA: Jeez!

BARROW: Can I have a glass of Coca Cola and some “Chu Kong,” please? My bowels are drained—famished while with cormorant endothelium!

TRUMP: Chu Kong? Whatever the heck that is! Chinese?

JAMMEH: He steals Gambia’s money and spends it on Chu Kong as evidenced by his fragile, yet swollen stature.

BARROW: Chu Kong is really yummy, especially with “Dewtti” and “Morong!” Ssssssss! Mmmmmmnnnnnnnn! People eat to live. I live to eat! (Licking his tongue)

(Diomaye looks at Sonko in blatant shock as Barrow collapses, holding his belly and crying like a toddler)

HENRY GOMEZ: He also needs “Dahin Sippa Sippah” and “Pooch Paach!”

TRUMP: Gawd! the “eff” are these?

JAMMEH: Some African dishes! I tried to warn thee.

TRUMP: Art thou planning on eating our dogs and cats? In Springfield, they’re eating the dogs and cats…of the people!

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE AND ANN COULTER: (In chorus) They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the cats! See? We told ya! These immigrants!

JAMMEH: We’re not immigrants. We’re diplomats! 

TRUMP: Hey guy, if you don’t watch your tongue, you’ll be sent to Guantanamo!

WHITEHOUSE AIDE: We don’t serve those “Chu thong” here!

TRUMP: I’m positive he didn’t say “Thong.” Only Melania wears the best of those!

DIOMAYE: And Stormy Daniels?

TRUMP: (Crossed) Who gave you that name?

MELANIA: What’s this fat guy’s name again…Konofootball what?

JAMMEH: Konofutubaa Barrow!

(A nurse checks Barrow’s blood sugar as a doctor arrives)

NURSE: 34! Hurry! Orange juice!

DOCTOR: Glucagon shot sub-q stat!

(They inject him. He regains consciousness, resumes licking his tongue and holding his stomach)

TRUMP: These African creatures from shit-hole countries! And what are these red, yellow green, colorful scarfs, Sir? (Pointing to Sonko and Diomaye)

DIOMAYE: Mr. President, with all due respect—beseech thee to halt thy paint brush.

SONKO: No! No! Let him continue. Go ahead, Mr. Trump! What else besides shit-hole countries, African creatures, etc?

TRUMP: Is this fat guy the best his country could come up with?

SONKO: Are you the best mighty America could come up with? I mean the…poor brain and choices; the rape charges; the hush money; the numerous lawsuits; the disrespect for women; the bankruptcies; and lest I forget—Stormy Daniels…art thou the brightest America could come with?

TRUMP: Yes of course! I’ve been the best all my life!

BARRON TRUMP: Dad, who’s this short guy?

DARBOE: I’m Ousainou Darboe, lawful winner of the last presidential election in The Gambia if not for some commissioned thieves.

TRUMP: Oh I know how that feels! Reminds me of 2020 and January 6^th. I need no further African introduction from you guys thanks to such ugly endless names.

SONKO: I go by Sonko. I serve the Senegalese people. And this is my boss—President Diomaye Faye.

(Secret Service whispers into Trump’s ears)

TRUMP: Oh! So, you two are the new smart asses from Senegal? Listen, I’d love to do business with you. Tell you what? I have a quick idea. I’m going to conduct a pop quiz for y’all right now. A simple spelling test and the winning country shall have the best of America’s direct investment!

DARBOE: Fair enough!

WHITEHOUSE ATTENDANT: Only presidents!

TRUMP: Fair enough!

DIOMAYE: English isn’t ours. But we shall try!

SONKO: (Smiling) Fair enough!

(Whitehouse assistants give Diomaye and Barrow blank sheets of paper to write on. At this, Jammeh starts crying)

JAMMEH: Mr. Trump, thou scorned Africa and I kept quiet. I beg that I represent Gambia in this contest. Our hospitals are dilapidated; our economy is dead right now; our youth are dying and Gambia needs investments. Ousainou, please say something!

DARBOE: I’m a trained lawyer. I have to respect rules. You and I aren’t Gambia’s president right now! (Jammeh weeps more as Darboe tries to console him. He begs more. Secret Service removes him from Trump’s space)

JAMMEH: (Speaking to Darboe in a local language) “Nseh duwaa no bang,” meaning, can we pray together? (They hold hands and pray, both shedding tears for Gambia and her people)

WHITEHOUSE OFFICIAL: First word to spell is: BELIEF!

DIOMAYE: (Scribbles “b.e.l.i.e.f”)

BARROW: (Still scribbling “b.e.e.e.” He erases it and tries again “B.i.s.k.i.t.” Erases it and tries one more time, “b.e.n.e.c.h.i.n.” He smiles with some self-assurance)

WHITEHOUSE OFFICIAL: Second word is: BONANZA!

DIOMAYE: (Writes b.o.n.a.n.z.a)

BARROW: (Writes b.a.n.a.n.a)

WHITEHOUSE OFFICIAL: Third word is: CHEWING GUM!

DIOMAYE: (Writes, “Chewing Gum”)

BARROW: (With exuberance, writes, “Chu Kong”)

WHITEHOUSE OFFICIAL: That’s it for the quiz! Gentlemen, good luck! (They collect quiz papers from both presidents and hand them to Trump. He scans through them briefly)

JAMMEH: (Still crying as Darboe continues to comfort him) How did Gambia do, Mr. President?

TRUMP: (Continues to scan through the papers quickly) Dang! Who the F’ wrote “Chu Kong”?

(With this, Jammeh throws himself on the floor, screaming and kicking his feet as Darboe sits next to him, not saying a word. Sonko and Diomaye join them as if Senegambia has just had a two-state funeral)

JAMMEH: (Sobbing) Barrow yeh mol faa! Barrow yeh mol faa! Barrow yeh Gambia faa!

SONKO: (To Trump) Mr. President, please don’t announce the results. We have enough natural gas in Senegal and a lot of oil reserves. Please give the direct investment to The Gambia. We’re good!

To be continued, insha Allaah!

“That these thoughts might inspire some a reader. And from thenceforth rise those to change Africa. If not, Gambia. Or if not, one of its muddy streets.” Ebrima Papa Colley (Gambiano)

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